Talks Too Much

Like all parents, I do everything possible to protect my kids and keep them out of harm’s way.

Bug them about wearing a helmet when they get on a bike or skateboard. Teach them about stranger danger and how to dial 9-1-1. Keep them away from Jerry Sandusky.

But it wasn’t until this week that I realized a classic piece of Americana is actually a tool of the unified forces that are hell-bent on corrupting our youth with the systematic introduction of drugs, disrespect, dalliance and dependence.

I’m talking about …

… “Frosty the Snowman.”

This has nothing to do with political affiliation or religious preference. The song is an equal-opportunity offender. To prove the point, I hereby submit my analysis of the lyrics:

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal

Right off the bat, the song urges our children to use tobacco and fossil fuels. “Hey, kids. Coat your lungs with tar, and use coal for everything possible instead of choosing an eco-friendly alternative.”

Frosty the Snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made out of snow
But the children know how he came to life one day

What’s that? One moment there was no life, and then POOF there was life? I see … so now we’re teaching creationism in our holiday ditties. Got it.

There must have been some magic in
That ol’ silk cap they found

So much wrong here. In two short lines, the songwriters managed to introduce the concepts of occult and welfare. The kids in the song “found” the hat, and then gave it away. Just like the government finds tax money and gives it away to people who sit around hitting the pipe all day while the rest of us work. Obviously that hat belonged to someone! Maybe an old person who will catch his death of cold if his head isn’t covered. The kids should have turned it in to Lost and Found.

For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around

Dancing? Hello! You let kids dance and it’s a slippery slope straight downhill to drinking, making out, car wrecks and a Kenny Loggins song.

Frosty the Snowman was alive as he could be
And the children say he could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me

Sure, kids, head on outside and play with every drifter and hobo who come through town. Traipse around with these ne’re-do-wells, then see how quickly you end up chained to a tent stake out in the woods while your captor writes ransom notes using pus from his open sores. The good news, is you’ll get your 15 minutes of fame on the side of a milk carton.

Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day
So he said let’s run and have some fun before I melt away

The sun is hot. But this Frosty character doesn’t even stop for a moment to suggest that the kids lather on a little SPF 30 to protect their delicate epidermis. Once again proving himself irresponsible. You know damn well that Obamacare won’t pay for skin-cancer treatment.

Down to the village with a broom stick in his hand
Runnin’ here and there all around the square
Sayin’ catch me if you can

I’ll tell you why he’s running here and there. Forgive me for getting all street on you bitches, but “snow” is another term for cocaine. The “snowman” is selling drugs to your children. He himself is all hopped up on the devil’s dandruff and can’t stop running around the square.

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler stop

Frosty only paused a moment. That’s it. Then he continued on his merry way, even though the local constable had to holler at him. This drifter has no respect for law enforcement, and you’re letting your sunscreenless children run around town snorting cocaine with him.

Frosty the Snowman
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye sayin’ please don’t cry
I’ll be back again some day

Just another good-time Charlie who destroys a few lives then moves on down the road, leaving a trail of empty promises about coming back one day to make all your dreams come true. This is the stuff of Lifetime movies.

It’s time to thumppity-thump-thump Frosty’s ass for good.